Either Way, the Paperwork Remains
by spinninground
Summary: Roy's old friend is visiting today, and he's bringing his apprentice with him. Incidentally, Ed's also due back for a report, along with Al. Who knew that Amestris was one of the stops Cross and Allen made during his training? A random mixer. T for language.


Disclaimer: If only I owned FMA _and_ DGM. THat's not greedy at all.

* * *

_- - - East City, Eastern Headquarters - - -_

Edward Elric, State Alchemist, trudged into the outer office, only to find that Hawkeye was the only one there, looking more put out than usual. Seeing Ed, she gave him the go ahead, signifying that the office was empty.

Kicking open the door as usual, he began, loudly, "Hey, Basta-"

The man behind the newspaper didn't even stir. The paperwork was stacked even higher than usual, and a pair of boots were propped on the table.

"You're the one that ordered me to come here. Are you going to listen to my report or not?"

Slowly, the newspaper lowered, revealing red hair. What.

"Yeah," a voice drawled from behind the desk. An eye peered over the edge. "Eh? I thought someone was here to report?" The newspaper began traveling upwards again as its owner lost interest.

"WHO DID YOU SAY IS SO MICROSCOPIC HE USES NANOTECHNOLOGY FOR AUTOMAIL?"

"_Ah_, there you are." He flicked his cigarette, closing half of the paper before looking at the golden-haired boy.

"No way..." Ed muttered under his breath, having finally gotten a good look at the newcomer with the glasses and half a mask covering his face. "Who the hell are you?"

Apparently not even listening, the man continued. "What's your name, boy? And did you bring it back or not? Judging by your attitude, I'd guess not. Come back when you have something, kid."

Ed's jaw hit the ground. Of course he hadn't found the stone yet, or he wouldn't even be here. And he certainly wouldn't give it to this random interloper. "I'm Edward Elric, you know, of the Elric Brothers?"

"Yeah, Al, sure."

"It's Ed."

"You know, you kind of remind me of someone, brat."

"Who do you think you are, calling me a brat! Anyways, what did you do with the Colonel!"

"Who?"

"The Colonel," Ed replied, emphasizing each syllable. "The guy whose chair you're in. Where is he." He was past suspicious. Assuming a fighting stance, he began raising his hands to clap when the door swung open, and a dark-haired man with a box backed his way in.

"Ah, yes, Roy!" The redhead finally took his feet off the desk. "I did your job for you. The midget didn't get it."

Setting the clinking box down, he gave his friend a look. "Well, _of course_ he didn't," he replied, in the most obvious of tones. "Just look at how pissed off he is."

" -_was a midget that's so tiny he could live in a shoebox and eat crumbs for - " _Ed's tirade continued, ignored by both men.

"It seems to me that my idiot apprentice manages to find Innocence more frequently than your little protege. Losing your edge?"

"No, not at all, Cross. The difference is that there's only one Philosopher's stone and like a hundred something Innocence, so don't get smug." Reaching into the box he'd smuggled past the higher ups, he pulled out a couple of cold ones and casually tossed one to his guest.

"-_and I'm not a little protege and I'm not his and just watch it because I'll kick your ass if you say -"_

"What is this shit, are you slumming or something? I come all this way to find you with this cheap booze and a bunch of hairy men. What happened to the Roy I used to know?"

"Oh, we'll see about that. We on for tonight? We can keep count and find out just who is more appealing to the ladies."

"Just like old times, huh-"

Ed finished his rant, only to start a new one. "What! You're a womanizing man-whore just like the bastard Colonel? And to think that I even thought you were maybe cool for a moment. Ack!" He made a face and turned to leave.

"Whoa there, Fullmetal. And here I thought you missed me. Weren't you just asking after me? About to _fight for me_? I was so touched, too."

"Yeah, touched in the head, bastard."

"So, I _didn't_ hear you say 'I only report to Colonel Mustang, and no one else, sir!' ?"

"Nope. Your brain's getting addled, old man."

Not one to let inconsequentials such as reality get in his way, Roy continued. "Besides, how is this jerk cooler than I am?" Striking a pose, Roy puffed out his chest, standing at attention. "I am a much better-looking hero than one-eye over there."

Indeed, Cross had resumed his typical cool-guy stance, reclining and smoking and drinking at leisure.

Ed studied him for a moment. "For one, he's got _red_ hair. I like red. Like _fire_."

"Did you forget I'm the Flame Alchemist or something?"

"And look, he's got that flashy gold and black cloak-thing, and a gold pet."

Cross snorted. "It's starting to look like Roy has a little golden pet too, kid." Both Roy and Ed glared at him.

By a supreme act of will, Ed ignored the statement in favor of making his point. "And best of all, he told me I could leave."

Roy waved a negligent hand, having opened his beer. "Fine, fine. Write it up and submit it to me later." Turning to Cross, "At least I don't have to keep a woman chained up in a coffin to keep her around. What exactly is that all about, anyway?"

Hearing that, Ed had to linger out of curiosity. With perfect Elric brothers timing, Al came to check on Ed, who was taking longer than his typical five minutes, entering just in time to hear the last statement.

"Hey, brother," he whispered, "do you think that she came back from the dead?"

"A successful human transmutation," Ed breathed in awe.

Cross made a sound of disgust. "Have you seen those fangs she has instead of teeth? Trust me, if only you knew, you'd keep her in a box too. And those chains are necessary."

"Fangs," Ed whispered to Al. "Maybe she's not even human..."

Al nodded in response, somehow managing to look sick. "Maybe she's a..."

The door swung open again.

"Master, I've got some Walker Blue, Grey Goose, Crown Royal XR, Bushmills..." A white-haired boy with his arms full of unmarked brown bags entered, and more clinking sounded as he set his purchases down on the table. There was no more room on the smaller table when he'd finished unloading the liquor, so he set the additional wine bottles next to his master.

"This is my apprentice, Allen." He sort of muttered the introduction to Roy, while Allen looked shocked at the courtesy. Then, he cracked a huge grin. "Tell that lovely lady outside to join us, and we can all start here. It'll be hours before we can hit the bars anyway."

Sharing the smile, Roy sauntered over to the door. "Lieutenant Hawkeye, your presence is requested."

"Thank you for the invitation, sir, but I think I'll finish up my commanding officer evaluations instead."

Gulping, Roy quickly gave up. "Yes, right. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Hawkeye responded drily before the door closed all the way. "Your paperwork."

Meanwhile, Ed and Al were busy trying to get Allen's hair to move enough so that they could check the tattoo above his eye, just in case it was a snake or a soul seal.

"Um, what are you doing?" Allen asked, as a blonde kid and a giant suit of armor encroached on him, in a way that would be stealthy if they weren't all looking at each other in one big room.

"Ah, we just need to check if you're a homunc-" Ed's words cut off as Al hurriedly clamped a hand over his brother's mouth.

"A homo?" Cross poured himself another drink. "I've wondered that myself, idiot apprentice."

Exasperated, Allen glared at his master. "You know very well I'm not, Master. And could you explain how these two aren't akuma? They have metal parts and they're clearly human derivatives."

"Derivatives! Why you-"

Returning from his near brush with productivity, the Flame Alchemist hurriedly went to the replenished stash of alcohol, and selected a bottle to drink straight out of, since he wasn't about to ask Riza where the military kept the cups. "You sure are being generous today, general." He missed Allen's dark mutterings about it being _his_ generosity. "It's a nice change from being always broke and leaving me to pay for everything."

"Of course! What's a couple of drinks between friends. Besides, I thought I'd brighten up your miserable life." Another glass was emptied, then refilled.

"Tell you what, I'll get the food for everyone then. So order up, everyone." Knowing it was the only order of his Ed would willingly follow, he turned to the blonde. "And Fullmetal, you can take the order to Hawkeye, she'll know what to do."

Ed took that as his cue and eagerly took down everyone's order as they continued to drink and chat, spending a suspiciously long time talking to Allen while doing so, before leaving the room with his list.

Allen's phone buzzed, and he slid it out of his pocket to check his messages. Al leaned over too, since it was the newest iPhone, and alchemists are always interested in new inventions.

"Oh, you wanna see? Here," closing the message, he handed it over to the suit of armor.

"It's so clear! The display really is -" Al was tapping around on the screen when he suddenly blushed. Allen wondered how metal could blush before realizing that there was something on the screen that he wasn't meant to see.

"Hey, cool!" Enthusiastically spotting the new device, Ed hopped over for a look as well. Looking away with a light blush, he muttered, "I'm glad Winry's not here..."

Unnoticed, Roy and Cross snuck up behind the three kids, alerted by the acute air of embarrassment and the whispering.

"So, this is your girl, idiot apprentice! I knew it."

"Master! That was Lou Fa. This is Lenalee. I mean, this isn't Lenalee." He looked around furtively for the sister complex before relaxing, then re-realizing that everyone was still staring at a private message from her. A private picture, to be exact. Kids and their sexting, these days.

"She's pretty, isn't she, Al?" Ed nudged his brother.

"Y-yeah," Al stuttered, still entirely flustered.

Ed hid his urge to laugh. "Geez Al, you and those asian girls."

Roy was in a bit of a stupor. "M-m-"

"Hey, Bastard! I think she belongs to Allen!"

"M-miniskirts..."

"Oh no, we've lost him again."

Roy finally focused. "God, Fullmetal, just because you're seeing that psychotic mechanic of yours doesn't mean you get to play it cool. You must keep a picture of her somewhere, too, just like this kid."

He hadn't even finished speaking when Allen had already picked Ed's pocket, hoping for something to distract the group from his phone, so that those lovely Dark Boots wouldn't kick his face in when he got back to the Order.

Both the money and the picture in the wallet were taken away right when he found it by the same person who normally used up Allen's income, who then exhaled a stream of smoke before speaking.

"Ah, a blonde," Cross rumbled. Just thinking about blondes was enough to put him on cloud nine. "Very nice. Why don't you invite her here for a drink or two?"

"Like hell, you asshat! I wouldn't introduce her to a sleaze like you!"

Roy agreed. "Yeah, gentlemen do prefer blondes," he said, referring to himself.

"Um, excuse me," Al attempted politely. "But could you stop that? Winry's an old friend..."

Ed was jumping and failing to reach the contents of his wallet, which were currently being held above him by the absurdly tall redhead. He growled. Cross pretended to lower his hands, just to bait the poor alchemist.

A few swings and misses later, the door opened again.

Thankfully, the food had finally arrived, and with it came the rest of Roy's office, ever competent at detecting a free meal.

The adults helped themselves sedately, leaving the bulk of it to the younger group, who chattered happily.

And the food didn't _stop_ arriving, as Ed and Allen grinned at each other and surrounded themselves with rapidly growing piles of empty plates. Al's sweatdrop slowly grew in diameter as he backed away, attempting to distance himself from the gluttonous pair.

Cross sidled up to the only female blonde in the room, taking a long drag before addressing her. "So, I hear that you've got eyes like a hawk."

Riza gave him a look that said, 'Really. Is that what you're going to try on me?' before holding out her glass, since he was so forthcoming with the refills.

Ed was starting to stare at Allen. "How are you eating so much?"

"We've never met anyone who could eat like Brother before," Al agreed.

"Paraschmitic Innocence." Allen managed, between bites of some creature's leg.

The brothers looked at each other. 'Parasites?' Ed mouthed.

"What about you?" Allen asked, disappointed that the next dish he had been eyeing had already been devoured by the blonde.

"I'm eating for two," Ed replied enthusiastically.

Allen blanched. "Eh?" Images of male pregnancy flashed through his mind, causing him to eat a little slower.

"He means me," Al explained.

On the other side of the room, Riza was staring at Cross. Staring at his hips, to be precise.

Taking that as confirmation of his rampant sex appeal, Cross leaned in a bit closer. "I can give you a closer look, if you'd like."

"I'd love that," she purred, playing along. "You won't mind if I take it out?"

Cross grinned. "Not at all."

Roy looked completely unperturbed, having already guessed her true intent.

Hawkeye reached down, freeing Judgement from its holster. "Ah, it's beautiful." She stroked the barrel lovingly, admiring the cold hard steel.

Disappointed for a moment, the general made a swift recovery, producing rounds from his coat pocket. "It even has a special property. These bullets don't stop until they reach their target."

Riza was beginning to look impressed to a worrisome extent, and Cross seemed ready to fire off a few shots, so Roy decided to step in. "So why don't we head on out now - Havoc, Breda -" His team looked up. "Care to join us?"

A few nods and excuses later, Cross, Roy, Havoc, Fuery and, surprisingly, Hawkeye left the room, ready to find older and taller company. Neither Allen or the Elrics noticed them leave, since they had dialed the numbers on the flyers that came with their meal, happily ordering more on the open tab while Al attempted to persuade the other two that moderation was a virtue. The lecture would have been equally applicable and ignored for the exiting adults, as the remaining bottles went with them, even though Fuery was already listing a bit to the left.

...

The next day, Roy listened through a pounding headache to seven messages that his bank account was overdrawn, due to charges to local restaurants and bars from last night. He scrolled down to the C section in his contact list.

In his hotel, Cross woke up and rolled over, only to find the other side empty. Riza was long gone, most likely having left the night before, and she'd taken Judgement with her.

The voicemail light was on. Cross grunted and dialed, waiting for the recording to start.

"Good afternoon, General Cross," Roy's slightly slurred voice came through, with a familiar woman's murmur in the background. "We have your apprentice and your gun. You'll get them back after you repay all your debts to me." _beep._

He growled and dropped the receiver back into its cradle. Right.

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**AN:** I don't know if that was funny, but it was floating around in my head distractingly.

In case it wasn't clear, Hawkeye just got Cross really drunk and met up with Roy, so she's the one in the background. She wouldn't cheat on Roy, even if they're not official yet. Not when the referenced couples here are all pretty canon.

...although, does anyone else think that Scieszka and Lavi would make the perfect couple? (if we're sticking with het, that is...)


End file.
